well i found something else to do: roleplay !!! it is so cool. i found a roleplaying chatroom at talk city. it was so fun. i pretended to be an orc. now i am gonna do roleplay in warcraft all the time. i first made an orc, but after chatting with someone who was very good at roleplay, i realised im very shy, and so undead is better.

a good day. its basically a question of finding things to do. i got a radio times and marked off the programes that i want to watch today. i watched a very nice programme about swordfish, and then coast.

tomorrow i am gonna watch animal park at 11.30. wow it is great to have things to do.

did the washing up twice today and took a bath.

i think i am starting to get it a little bit.

grinding on warcraft is hard. its not physically hard but in terms of discipline it is hard, because you have to grind, which you dont necessarily want to do. but if you take it one beast at a time, soon you have a full bag of loot, which you can sell and buy yourself some beastie new armour.

so i am kind of applying this to my life a little bit. things you really dont want to do, but its a source of pride to do it. so yesterday i did a bunch of washing up.

i suppose it is discipline. i am a very undisciplined person but i am starting to get it a little bit.

my character is level 14 now. im in the barrens, and have just finished grinding the plainstriders and am now gonna go and grind zebras.

when im not on the computer i read my science books. its really fascinating, i am learning all kinds of stuff.

found something interesting to do. i realised i am interested in science so i am learning a bit about it.

the bbc bitesize revision guides are exellent. you get these little flash animations with tests, such as "is this rock permeable" and a little squeegee will put water onto the rock to test it. awesome.

but today i didnt do my workout and didnt wash up or take a bath.

i was ill yesterday. felt really sick with a headache in the night and barfed.

im better today, but with not much energy and also the warcraft servers are down for maintenance.

somehow i have managed to get up at a fairly reasonable hour today, but i think thats because i slept thru the period that is usually my "day".

went for a walk with maf. made some biscuits just now to cheer maf up.

i find that doing the washing up has the same feeling as grinding my characters on warcraft. its a kind of "work" feeling. not quite plesant.

and the boredom. god the boredom.

not too bad. managed to get up before it got dark at least. i didnt want to get up because i couldnt get to sleep last night. took a lorazepam in the end and finally got some sleep. but, i managed to get up and go for my walk.

hopefully that means i will sleep tonight ok.

just doing the washing up now. i actually didnt mind doing it yesterday. then im gonna take a bath.

i might also try to make some supper of grains beans and veggies. do that b4 my bath.

i dont feel too bad. no doubt about it, the walk makes me feel better. i feel like absolute shit if i dont do it, with no energy to do anything.

slowly clawing my way into some kind of normality.

i really didnt want to get up today, but luckily maf called me for dinner.

i was knackered, had no energy, but decided to go for a walk.

so that gave me some energy so i was able to do the washing up, dry up, and take a bath.

also made some cards instead of lying on the bed.

so now its bedtime. if i manage to get up tomorrow, i can go for my walk again.

if not, it means i am going to feel like shit, get up at 2am, go back to bed and toss and turn b4 getting up an hour later and having no energy to do anything.

annoyed with myself last night for sleeping all day. it just means i get up at about 3am and feel bad.

going for walks is giving me energy. but i have to resist the urge to go to bed all the time.

went for a walk again today which i think gave me some energy. i did the hated washing up twice and dryed up once.

we have age of conan now and after much aggravation got online with it. we dont really have the right drivers for it but its a nightmare to download them.

i got to level 5 in conan so to clebrate i got to level 5 with a similar warcraft char.

im going to bed now. i might have a wash again like i did last night because i kind of liked not smelling too bad when i went to bed. : P

yes, that is how my life is.

grim. a choice between washing up, grinding on my character, and lying on the bed.

lying on the bed won out for most of the day but then i decided to go for a walk.

just now i have tackled some of the washing up.

its kind of like, what small things i can do rather than the grand plan, because frankly im knaclered. i would think i was permantely knackered but maybe walkking will help to give me some energy.

stoned. which is good.

bit of a boring day. made a few cards, went into town and did the shopping.

im keeping up with the washing up which is good. new stage one.

now having a rum and coke and listening to beefheart while maf makes dinner.

feeling better.

did some small goals and then decided to try and do stage one... but it cant be like the old stage one because my circumstances are quite different.. so it will have to be the new stage one : )

the bedrock of this is doing the washing and drying up after each meal. i figure if i can just do that for a bit, then i will be on my way.

heres to the new stage one.

having a totally crap day. my brain isnt working, i cant sort things out but i am desperate to sort things out.

how, how, how do i sort things out ?

plus i have no energy.

having a really nice day.

i was very frustrated this morning and the people at gorwelian told me to take a lorazepam, which i did, and they brought me round some more as well.

i made lavendercat a bed and bedroom this morning and then this afternoon was struck by the idea to get the fancy cardmaking magazine thats in the local shop.

so i did that and i have been making cards : )

went out for a walk with maf and have done the washing up twice today.

a good day.

as for the plan, i am thinking that my mental health is so poor, that i had better just make sure that i am happy each day before i attempt anything big.

doing my chores again after days of lying in bed.

they have put my paroxetine up to 40mg which is helping with the obsessive thoughts.

took a lorazepam today because i was anxious this morning. have got to try not to take one tomorrow because i only have 4 left.

also, help.com is the coolest site ever. there are so many nice people on there and intelligent questions, dumb questions, all seeking advice. its great : D 

finally made some headway after a very stressful day where i went down a and e again and they gave me some more lorazepam.

i posted my query on help.com, and someone said that the thing to do is try one thing at a time, and not worry too much if you dont complete it all some days.

well this got me thinking. i already do have a routine of sorts in that i get up, have my meds, have breakfast, have coffeee, and then thruout the day i have meals.

well why not just add things to this routine, one thing at a time ? so after meals i am washing up. that makes sense, its logical.

so with that an the lorazepam i am feeling calm now and slightly hopeful.

yuk. feel awful. got very drunk last night.

spending most of today in bed, or getting out of bed, having a fag, and going back to bed again.